So Now You Have to Cook a Turkey - A Poultry-Haters Guide of What Not To Do

I'll be the first to admit it : I don't like cooking birds.

Don't get me wrong, I like cooking parts of birds. I love BBQ chicken breasts and fried wings. I don't like when it comes to wrestling an entire foul into a pot and arguing with various opinionated hungry helpers. No. In those cases I'd mostly just rather not.

That being said, I had the fortune to be born with ovaries, so it seems the task of not killing everyone at the thanksgiving dinner table falls to me. Lucky, eh?

Needless to say, I've done my fair share of Googling, texting and Pinteresting and emailing my mother to ward off salmonella this holiday season. But all of you lovely people are quite capable of doing that. So in the spirit of sharing - like the Indians and the settlers, here is my list of what doesn't help the turkey cook faster:

1. Unhelpful helpers. These are commonly refered to as "men". They stare and salivate and ask incessantly when the God forsaken bird will be ready to consume. Now, managing this first issue requires political savvy - you want them to go away, but only until it's time to start mashing potatoes and stirring gravy. If you go thermonuclear - you won't see them for the rest of the day and they will be (understandably) terrified and unwilling to be too near you after that. So, basically you have to become Wonder Woman. Send them to collect random things for you and work like the devil to get everyone done while they are gone. Prep work done ahead of time will make the whole morning a happier affair and also will make you less likely to murder a member of your family. (My men are out building a shed. Weird. But I'm not complaining.) 
2. Strict timelines. Remember - the suggested cooking time is a guideline. Nothing will drive you closer to tears then a stupid turkey which won't bloody cook. You're aiming for an internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit. That's it. That's all. On average, a 15 pound turkey will take about 4.5 hours. Remember. That's a guideline! My stupid bird last year took almost 6 hours. 14 pounds. 6 hours. So you know, happy thoughts. 
3. Staring at it. Yeah, I know. Right now you're asking yourself why the frigging thing won't cook. I'll give you a hint. It's because you keep taking the poor little guy out! Leave it alone! And don't open the oven door. And keep the unhelpfuls from opening it too. Threatening usually works. So does tossing carrots and muttering under your breath about pizza and holiday hatred. But remember rule number one - don't thermonuclear. You know what men like to do? Dishes. Put them to work. Now. Do it. Go. 
4. Sobriety. Seriously. Have a drink already. 
5. Overachieving. Don't shoot for the stars. It's dinner not the Olympics. Keep it simple. Turkey, an easy side of starch and a few veggies. Buy a pie. You're not Martha. 
6. A schedule. This sorta relates to rule number one. The unhelpfuls tried (and tried and tried) to make me a list of times various dishes would be done at. I suggested a few other things they cold do with aforementioned list. Like I said. Now they are building a shed. Seriously. A list is kinda pointless. Just keep your temperatures in mind and have a good idea how long everything will kinda take. You're all good. And remember to call men to mash potatoes and make gravy. They'll think they slaved all day. That's fine. Just as long as they don't try to help too much.

I'm sure there's a lot more advice you could gather. But I have a turkey to baste. Good luck!